My Life Changing Loss of Christmas' Pasts

The past articles I have shared on this platform the past two-plus years have been my own life experiences and life advice, and I have tried to convey them all as upbeat, positive, and optimistic. I hope that some of my wisdom has helped you in some positive way. I am now sharing in this article a very personal, painful, and private story from my life that I thought was necessary to share. Especially since the devasting state of the world has been for most of 2020 and, sadly, still is. Simultaneously, I am not sharing my own devasting experience to compete or compare but merely share in comfort for those who may have felt this same experience of losing a loved one.

On December 18, 1994, 26 years ago this month, just one week before Christmas, our family changed forever when my Mother began a very long and challenging journey of 15 years of health problems. Much to our shock, out of nowhere, her aortic valve in her heart tore, and she was then rushed to Mass General Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts, to have open-heart surgery. She was 52 years old. I remember getting the devastating call and then having to race into Boston to meet my Father, who was already there at the hospital. I remember running to him in the waiting room and hugging him so tight and crying with him in a way I never had before. In an instant, I realized I could lose everything and that at 22 years old, I could lose my Mother forever, and my Father could lose his beloved wife and soulmate. 

Waiting for her to come out of surgery felt like days. Miraculously she made it through the surgery from the exceptional team at MGH, but she had complications. During the surgery, she had a massive stroke - only to wake up in recovery, not read anything or even talk as she did before. I remember seeing my Mother speak to her physical therapist and trying to articulate a sentence only to burst into tears and whale in despair, sight, and sound I will never forget. I remember looking at the pain in her eyes and then seeing the pain in my Father's eyes as he looked at his beautiful wife in pain. I remember thinking to myself, thank God, that my Mother has my Father. Was I grateful she was still alive? Yes, but to see her like this was beyond heartbreaking.

 I had never felt so fucking scared in all of my life. I couldn't do anything to help my Mother. Looking back, I think how different my life would have been if she had died when I was 22, and she was 52, instead of passing away when she was 67 and 37. Celebrating Christmas that year seemed pointless. Most of her emergency hospital visits over the next 15 years and many high-risk surgeries always seemed to happen right around Christmas time or even on Christmas - every single year. Ironically my annual visit home from LA was at Christmas time. While I was so grateful to see my Mom and Dad and have this time with them after all my Mother and Father had been through - needless to say, I've never quite celebrated or looked at Christmas the same way, ever since.

I remember the terrible guilt I felt leaving Massachusetts for good in April 1995, only less than four months later, a vast solo move that I had been planning for many years. Maybe I wouldn't have ever left if she had passed away, who knows. But I knew in my gut if I didn't go, then a year out of college at 23, I probably would not have never left. The only thing that permitted me to leave - was knowing my amazing Father would always be with her every day, every step of the way, and taking care of her. How she got survived all that happened, I'll never know. After rehab of teaching herself to walk and talk and learn how to read and write ALL OVER AGAIN - then only to have more open heart surgery, several strokes, and even brain surgery. Same journey over and over. Eventually, this leads her to have her PKD: Polycystic Kidney Disease, a genetic kidney disease, to be sped up to full-blown kidney failure and then be on dialysis three times a week for five years. She was waiting for a kidney transplant, that never happened. These complications lead to her final days and passing away on January 15, 2010, at 67 years old.

I will never know how my Mother survived all of that and where the depth of strength she had came from; I am still in absolute awe. Being the age I am now, I genuinely understand and grasp her and my Dad's devastation. She lost almost everything; her career, future dreams and goals, power, control, and health were all lost instantly. Then the so-called friends that fled when the shit hit the fan and individual family members that didn't show up to see her or be there in any way of supporting my Mother. How heartbreaking for all of us to witness this. I am grateful for those who did show up in any of this during those years of hell. The calls, hospital and home visits, the cards, the food, love, and concern are everything. They know who you are, and I love them from the depths of my heart and soul. Hard times do reveal who your real friends and family are. 

I know for sure that she would have never made it at all or for that long without my Father. He never left her side; he did everything, 24/7. I look forward in gratitude to have my future husband, who will love, honor truly, and care for me -- in sickness and health -- the way my Father did for my Mother. Thank you to my Dad for setting the example of how a husband should be. How taking care of your loved one, family member, and or spouse's health is a privilege, how he survived all of it, and still being standing and alive, in nothing but short of a miracle. I am in awe of both my parents; then, during, and now - today - more than ever. It was pure HELL for all of us, and despite everything, they still had each other, and my parents always stayed committed to their vows.

I am sure you are reading this and asking why I would post all of this just a few days before Christmas? To remind you what is truly important in life. True love, real family, true friendships, good health, faith in God, and all of his/her mighty miracles. Some of you who have lost a parent and a spouse know how it feels to have this loss. How difficult it is every day, especially around the holidays. I would give anything to have my Mother here today. To talk to her about so many things that I genuinely UNDERSTAND now being this age. How I feel cheated she's not here for my milestones I have had the past almost eleven years and the ones that are ahead. I wish I could tell her in person how she was RIGHT about everything. I know for sure she is right with me and watching over me every single day. I am beyond grateful to have such amazing parents, who showed by example how to be a successful and a loving couple, and also to be extrodinary human beings on there own, filled with character, dignity, kindness and love for others, especially for each other. A daughter couldn’t ask for better parents and for that I am grateful to God they chose me to be their daughter.

I'm so grateful to have my Father still alive. Sadly he is 3,000 miles away, and we can't be together this holiday season from the continued lockdown due to COVID. As I wrote above, this story is not to compare or compete, but to merely share for those who understand and won't feel so alone this Christmas. Loss is a very personal thing to navigate and get through. Over 1.7 million people have passed away from the Coronavirus in 2020, and there will be millions of families who won't have individual family members and friends at the Christmas dinner table with them this year, nor ever again. So pray for those dealing with this life-changing loss. Those of your experiencing this loss, do something special to honor those who are not with us anymore. While it has been ten years, almost eleven years since my Mother’s passing, I am grateful to have gone through the devasting stages of grief. Of course I miss her everyday, but for those who’s loss and grief is recent, I feel your pain. Give yourself as much time as you need. As I said after 1994, I never quite looked at Christmas the same way since and I usually equat Christmas as a celebration for children. 🎅🎁🎄 Despite that, I still do heartfelt things each year at Christmas to honor my Mother, with special family recipes and particular yearly family Christmas traditions from my childhood, youth, and early adulthood. It's not the same, not being with them, but it fills my heart with pride honoring my beautiful Mother and of my cherished family memories with my parents.

 I can say now that looking back at the past 26 years truly has shaped me as a woman in ways I can't fully express. I even have gratitude for the heartbreak and devastation, as it has given me the perspective of who and what is truly important in my own life. Time is precious, and everything can change in the blink of an eye. This devastatingly life-changing year reminded me all over again what is truly essential in life. Am I rambling? Yes. It is just all coming out as I write this, from the heart. I look back and think how that devasting day feels like a hundred lifetimes ago, and yet I remember every single detail like it was yesterday. Remember, as we experience this holiday season and this devastatingly life-changing year comes to a close, give thanks in gratitude for what you do have today, as you don't know what tomorrow will bring. Cherish the time and cherish all of those you do get to be with this Christmas, and remember to tell them how much you genuinely love them. Sadly, so many of us won't be able to be with family members and friends in person. So call them or do a video call with your loved ones to tell them just how much you miss them, you love them, and can't wait to see them again in person when this world wide lockdown is over. I know I am going to. ❤  

Stay home, stay safe, and I wish you all a Happy Holidays!  Here's to 2021. May we all be blessed in every way possible!