Carpe Diem – Seize The Day

It was the Summer of 1989 when the film “Dead Poets Society” had just been released in early June. I had just completed my Junior year in high school and my summer vacation had officially begun. I was staying at my Nana and Grandpa’s house on Cape Cod for a visit to spend some quality one on one time with them. My Nana suggested that we have a girl’s night out together to see this film as she had read an amazing review in the Cape Cod Times. I thought what a fun thing to do together and the film has always been a huge lifelong passion of mine.

As I watched the film, I immediately felt a connection to the characters, the story and the universal theme of the film: Carpe Diem; which is Latin, meaning to “Seize the Day.” Professor John Keating played so eloquently by actor and comedian Robin Williams, spoke to the boys in his poetry class about sucking the marrow out of life. He said, “We must constantly remind ourselves to look at things in a different way. You must strive to find your own voice.” He continues on with the film’s famous monologue where there was a turning point in the film:

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for! To quote from Whitman, “O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?”

Answer. That you are here, that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?”

I immediately thought, what is my verse going to be in my life? How am I NOT seizing the day? I was 17 years old and in high school just like these boys in the film. I knew that I still had my whole life ahead of me. I also thought about how I had lived such an extraordinary and blessed life so far. Despite all of my fears, there were so many things in my heart and soul that I still wanted to do.

I had been an acting since I was a little girl and had some wonderful experiences, such as starring in the lead a few times in local church musicals. I knew in my heart and soul since the age of 5 that this is what I wanted to do, to work in the film industry. I thought that maybe I would have an actual successful professional acting career one day.

I knew that I wanted to explore all of the endless possibilities and see what opportunities might just happen. Just like Neil Perry, the lead in the film played so beautifully by actor Robert Sean Leonard, who always wanted to try acting. He went for it by and seized the day by auditioning and he got cast in the local theatre production of “A Mid Summer’s Nights’ Dream”, playing the role of Puck.

He still went for it, despite his father’s strict “no acting rule” and demanded his sons’ only future career was to be a Doctor. Guess what, Neil was good, in fact, he was amazing on that opening night. He had found his calling.

Due to his father planning out his entire life, professionally, Neil sadly felt trapped. Later that night, after the play at his parents’ house, he took his own life.

I remember feeling so many emotions watching this devastating scene and feeling such a deep sadness of desperation.

He was so talented and had so much ahead of him in his life. I also thought about how I was even feeling my own horrible guilt, since I had previous thoughts about taking my own life over the course of my already short-lived life, due to my horrific depression. I realized how incredibly selfish I had been to even think these thoughts, by seeing it through the experience of a fictional film character.

My life had barely just begun, but when you are a teenager you can’t fully grasp how your life can and will change for the better. If you watch the film, you see with all the other subplots of the other boys, most all them just went for it in life, in their own unique and individual ways. All by the help and guidance of their Captain, Mr Keating. 

After the film, my Nana and I had probably one of the most important conversations of our relationship. I talked to her about some of my goals, dreams and hopes. At this point, my Nana was around 74 years old and had lived a lovely and blessed life. It was always a blessing to talk to her, about how the film connected to the both of us and yet individually. I know that I am blessed to have had that special quality time together. I know in my heart she is watching over me and always with me. 

“Dead Poets Society” changed my life, truly. I was in the middle of and about to embark on so many new life-changing transitions. I have always been the type of girl to just “go for it”, but sometimes things do happen that made me second guess going after certain dreams. I realized after seeing the film, that if there were ever a time for me to truly seize the day and to seize my future, that it was now.

So, this film gave me the HUGE push that I needed. I did, I decided that I was going to go after certain dreams and goals and just try.

I decided that I was going to apply to more colleges that could hopefully open up more choices and possibilities for me professionally. Guess what, during my senior year, I got into my first-choice college. I took a leap of faith and even applied for a small scholarship to help pay for some of my tuition. You know what? I got it, I won the scholarship. It was not a great deal of money, but it showed me that trying can lead to something. It ended up helping me and my education and it also helped with my confidence.

I also secretly made the final decision that after I finished college, I would leave the safety of my safe and yet gorgeous hometown and move to NYC and/or LA for a bigger life.

I even secretly decided that I would open my heart up again to love again - if the opportunity ever came my way. This was not an easy place to get too, since having had my heart been horrifically broken by my very first love a few years prior. Sure enough, later that summer, I met a wonderful guy and I was swept off my feet, literally. I actually fell in love again and I was incredibly happy. It was a very special experience and time for both of us. I truly never thought I would feel that way again.

Yes, I know I was just a teenager: but just because I was young, does not diminish my feelings and those experiences. It showed me that even after having heartbreaking times and difficult experiences, wonderful things can happen again. If only Neil Perry had given himself that chance, by confronting his father again to tell him how acting had made him happy - then he might have lived and had a wonderful acting career.

In the years ahead, despite my horrific depression returning at certain points of my life, I would still try to keep on finding my own verse. I didn’t want to actually die, I just wanted the pain and sadness to be gone. When you are in a dark place, it can be incredibly difficult to not only get out of it but to find light in your life. When I would come out of my dark sadness, I would somehow find the strength - to get back up and try – yet again. I would continue to go for it with my life: both personally and professionally. 

Fast forward to the summer of 2014 and I was on Cape Cod yet again for a summer vacation. On August 11th, I was literally on the beach and in a happy, grateful, and peaceful place. Then only minutes later to find out the devastating news that Robin Williams had passed away due to a suicide.

This can’t be real, is all I kept thinking. “WHY would he do this?” He is one of the most hilarious and talented people on the planet. I knew he suffered from depression too, as most artists do. But he had everything to live for; an amazing and successful career, wonderful friends, 3 children he adored and even had recently remarried again. 

On the flip side, sadly he had recently been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, so maybe as the devastating news set in, he thought there was no hope. Maybe he didn’t want the public to see him sick. Maybe he was taking medication for his new diagnosis and depression that screwed around with his thought process. I don’t know the answer as to why he did it what he did, all I know is I felt such a deep sadness. Didn’t he know what a gift he was to the world? Didn’t he truly know the gift of laughter that he gave to the world was priceless? Didn’t he know how much he would be missed, especially by his family, friends and children? Yes, his past TV and film work will live on forever, but why didn’t he take that same lesson he taught – and do it for himself?

Art can influence one’s life and life certainly influences art.

All I kept thinking was how his work shaped my life in so many extraordinary ways, particularly in his role and the messages in “Dead Poets Society”. As the hours of the day of his death moved on, I was trying to process it all. My head was swimming in disbelief, my tears kept flowing out and my heart was breaking because of this sudden loss. 

I kept thinking back to my first Carpe Diem experience on another Summer night on the Cape, 25 years prior. I realized how grateful I was to not only not have taken my own life but to, in fact, live it. I have been very lucky to have had some truly amazing and blessed experiences in my life. Yes, I also have experienced some of the darkest days that have brought me to my knees in devastation. But I've come to realize that is life. It’s how you truly see things and come out of those experiences that make one’s life extraordinary. 

I leave you with this quote from the film that Mr Keating said:

“Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold and die. Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.”

Life and death go hand in hand. How one lives is truly up to one’s self. I pray that we all have the courage to seize the day and to have extraordinary lives.

Thank you, O Captain, My Captain – I know I will.